I awoke with a heavy heart this morning, a heaviness that has only grown stronger over the past couple weeks, and tears on the verge of piercing my already inflamed & tired eyes. Searching through God's word this morning I am desperate for a SOAPing in God’s word to wash this from me...
To continue reading:
To continue reading:
I came upon Galatians and words that prominently tugged at my heart.
“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, long-suffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is now law. And those who are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another.' Gal. 5:22-26
I didn't see any of these fruits being displayed in my life this morning nor in the midst of the angst I felt.
Yet an abundance of these fruits is the place I long to dwell, in the place of overflow and release. Where these fruits run rapid in my daily life as I choose to walk in the Spirit through the relational intimacy and love with my Father. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, long-suffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is now law.
I read this set of verses over and over, recopied them in my journal and sat there with tear stained eyes knowing this was penetrating my heart, but not feeling the words the Lord wished to speak to me that I could feel the change begin to take effect.
My ‘must get ready NOW’ alarm went off and I set my items aside to begin my 3 hour morning routine to help my family be the best that God’s created them to be. Yet the feeling of heaviness was still there… But what was the heaviness from? Hurt? Rejection? A lack of vision? Is it within myself? Or within another? Do I need to do something different? In me? In someone else? Am I holding on to my own desires?
“Lord! I NEED my time with you; I NEED your words deep in my heart. Speak to me that I may hear with an open and willing heart.”
“Lord! I NEED my time with you; I NEED your words deep in my heart. Speak to me that I may hear with an open and willing heart.”
My prayer time complete, I still felt ‘off’ and ‘out of sorts’, Christian music playing, over-riding my negative thoughts with spoken promises and truths. The struggles seem so deep within, yet there is no time to stop nor an open heart to confide in.
My morning routines nearly over, I saw myself wearing a familiar mask- one of numbing complacency moving forward with routine to keep my mind busy. No joy, no sorrow, just ‘task mode’.
All I WANT is to sit on the lap of my Daddy, to pour out my heart to the lover of my soul, to hear the gentle words of my eternal best friend. To release my hurts & open my heart to the one who never judges me for my lack, condemns me for missing the mark, reminds me of where I’ve gone wrong, or responds to me with defensiveness and conflict.
My mind started to whirl, “NO! Not this place! I hate this place! I don’t want this mask!”
Tears began to cloud my vision, “Lord help me! YOU are all I need! I don’t understand this! THIS is not where I want to be!!”
And right then I knew…
“Lord no… No, I’m doing ALL of this FOR them, to make things BETTER… If I don’t do these things, no one will! All of the stress and burdens fall on me Lord, I HAVE to do these things… I have to…”
‘My daughter, by your free will and choice you can continue to try and do this on your own, in your own ways – or you can let go and release it unto me and allow me to continue my perfect will in their lives. You were not created to carry such burdens, those are mine to carry.’
“THIS HURTS GOD! THERE’S NO RECOGNITION, NO ACKNOWLEDGEMENT FOR THE THINGS I SACRIFICE, NO CARE FOR THE TIME I INVEST FOR THEM! I FEEL DEVALUED AND UNLOVED… I DON’T FEEL LIKE THEY CARE ABOUT ME!! EVEN AFTER ALL I'VE DONE AND AM STILL DOING!!! I FEEL LIKE I’M LOSING ‘ME’ IN THE MIDST OF HELPING ‘THEM’.... ”And those who are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.
And the eyes of my heart were opened and I saw the self-focused goals that produce the ‘I’ focus, nothing about my pain was ‘God’ focused; I was preparing, playing out, and reaping the consequences of ‘my’ plans instead of walking in the trust and confidence of God’s bigger plan.
And I’m reminded of the words I received yesterday, “You only have two choices: You can agree with God or you can agree with the devil.”
“Help me do this Lord, I can’t do this, I can’t even fathom how to move forward from here in this. Heal me Lord that I may be an empty vessel for you to be filled up in all that you have for me.”
‘I know it hurts, I feel the depth of your pain. I too, have the same desires for those I love. I allow them to choose to want these things for themselves. Because I love them, I will allow them to choose me and will not demand their love or attention.’
Deep breath… ‘Yes Lord. I will let them choose and I will remember to walk in love and by faith- that I may continue to walk in Your Spirit. I want to keep your words close to my heart and fresh in my life. Daily I choose to keep you first in all I do.’ If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit.
“It is only you Lord, that makes a difference in them. The only part play in all of this is being an open vessel for your good work and love to flow through me. Forgive me Lord; forgive me for creating my own time line, my own agenda. This is not how I want to my relationships nor do I want to manage the things around me in order to see my will for their lives…” Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another.
‘That’s my girl. As you step aside and release your hold, I am happy to step back into my rightful place and continue the good work I’ve set out to do in them and in your life.
‘My daughter, love with your whole heart- at all times. Do not hold back; do not mask your heart. Love with all that I’ve placed inside of you. I have designed you for a unique and fulfilling purpose that will change atmospheres and the hearts of many, simply because of the love and humility in your life received by my grace.’
‘Be tender to my touch, to my leading, and my prompting. And know that my love for you is the same love I have for them. Those around you may not understand your heart or invest the time to know you on a deeper level- but ‘I’ understand and ‘I’ know- and for now, this is part of my bigger plan, and I will draw you close to me and continue to heal the deeper places within you. Be at peace my child, you are free to be who I’ve created you to be.’
With my mask removed and my heart lifted- I am NOW ready to go on about my day.
“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, long-suffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is now law. And those who are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another.' Gal. 5:22-26
No comments:
Post a Comment